wanderlust

the price of convenience

I got my HPV shot from my cousin’s wife’s clinic at the Medical Plaza Ortigas along San Miguel Ave., almost near Shaw Blvd. & then I walked all the way home to Corinithian Executive Regency along Ortigas Ave.

Why?

Because I am so sick of this urban jungle. Or this monotonous stress. Or doing what I’m supposed to do. Of sticking to deadlines.

I walked home just for the hell of it, but mostly because I am tired of having to pay for convenience, for happiness, for fullness, for the ability to talk to my loved ones.

I’m tired of this consumer-driven world I live in, where people find happiness in buying new clothes when they already have 4 closets full of them and a shoe rack overflowing. Where people get their nails done even if it chips away in three days and their nails grow out in a few weeks. I’m tired of a life of  consumables and expiration dates, of single serving coffee or shampoo sachets.

I miss the ocean.

I miss not needing to plan every hour of my life and just deciding in the moment what it was that I wanted to do most - which would usually be to pack up my things and head to the beach to swim, breathe, eat, read a book, or chill with my sister.

I am so sick of the city life, and all of the fake-golden dreams it promises. All it gives you is soot covered raindrops and a million stories of tragedies and poverty.

I am sick of having to put my feelings into this tiny box and store it in the closet so that I don’t appear weak. Feelings don’t make you weak. They make you human. 

It would be so easy to not wake up for class Monday morning, or the next day for the exam. So easy.

No one ever said that getting what you want would be easy. I just never thought I would have to give up so much to get it. I never thought I’d have to put my feelings in a box for so long, and fake a smile this long.

This is definitely catharsis week.

||| I have a voice & I’m going to use it.

L,

I know who you are, and we are not happy. You’ve just raised hell to pay.

& you’re statements have been MANIPULATED and placed out of context. i’m doing my best to fix this.

Responsible journalism anyone?

||| demons in dark closets

1. younger sister, you have discovered my dark secret. i hope you have the sense to keep it secret, & to understand that there are many things you have yet to understand.

2. am currently drowning in music. this is how i work: musicovery.com will start on dark calm —> calm positive —>  energetic positive (hopefully). but i think for today, with its wet gray skies and the lack of bustling traffic, dark calm suits the moment too well.

3. (sometimes) i wish i didn’t love you so much. only because it dangerously becomes addictive for me. and the thought of life without you feels like that anxious emptiness you feel when catch yourself before just barely falling down the stairs. perhaps this is why i’ve been depressed the last few days (?) or maybe it really is just the excess of hormones this time around. sigh.

4. it is the eve of the month of december, and i have yet to feel the slightest bit of christmas spirit. damn global financial crisis.

edit/
#4: except for the sweet taxi driver i had yesterday. because i normally never ride taxis alone, but there was no way of avoiding it yesterday. so i did. & the taxi driver small talked me all the way home, & i happily practiced my tagalog (w/ only a slight accent now!). and as i stepped out of the cab, he greeted me merry christmas. and that’s the first time i’ve heard it said so genuinely in a very very long time.