my college/med school classmate’s sister just passed away this week, and i attended the wake earlier this evening. he had taken an leave-of-absence when his sister got a fever and aphasia (loss of speech). without a sure diagnosis, she passed away less than two weeks later.
i almost ended up crying during the wake when i realized that his sister is the same age as mine, and that the sequence of events that led to a bizarre viral encephalitis (final diagnosis) could have happened to anyone. and for the first time in a long time, i sat through a mass and actually listened to the homily and reflected for an hour.
it was soul lifting, strangely.
i realized quite a few things as i sat through the service.
(1) First Impressions. i was truly dismayed that the first time i was meeting my friend’s sister was during her wake. the resemblance between the two of them is uncanny. i looked at her lying in the casket. it looked as if she was getting ready to go to prom, and was taking a nap. i realized… this is the first time i’ve been to a funeral, and the second time i’ve seen a lifeless body in front of me. the first time being our anatomy class cadaver, which i had eagerly dissected without hesitation.
i suddenly felt utterly disgusted with myself because i had planned to try to assist with autopsies during my next break from school. how could i have gotten so eager to open a human body? someone that was loved by a mother or a husband, now left behind to cope without them?
(2) Coping. we all tried to find a way to cope or rather help him cope. obviously, his defense mechanisms was using the power of knowledge - he had really done his homework on the whole medical aspect. and he willingly relayed it to anyone who would listen. for a moment we were all trying to be rational - it was a bizarre case, with an unusual presentation and lab results, and that a peaceful death was better than a lifetime of severe mental handicap. amazing how we all tried to keep ourselves detached. second, the moment we walked in we were handed food - probably the number one way we know how to cope. we eat. whether we’re mourning or celebrating, we try to surround ourselves with food. lastly, Dr. W stepped in and though at first it seemed out of place, he brought up an opportunity for our thesis group to work with World Bank and DOH again. surprisingly, A’s face lit up. well, all of us did. we all seemed to find a sense of security and solid ground at the thought of being in each other’s company again, knowing that if one of us should stumble, someone would be there to lend a hand. perhaps Dr. W brought it up on purpose at that time, not so much because he was being detached from everyone else’s deep emotions, but because he knew that the idea of interesting work would keep A’s mind busy and help him cope.
(3) Social Rules Handbook. maybe it’s the hippie in me, but i’m always at a loss when it comes to social situations like this. i never went to etiquette school. i dont even know what fork to use or whatever. what more, attending a chinese wake (because they have SO many other rules!) but i soon realized that all the superficial social norms/rules didn’t really matter. what mattered was that i was there, that i was mourning with my friend for his loss.
unfortunately, not everyone seems to have the same mindset. cellphones went off, and people were noisily whispering during the service. and as P told me, people (especially in the province) just go to funerals for the free food and to catch up on gossip. which made me realize that funerals and wakes aren’t really for the person that passed away - funerals are for those of us left behind. it gives us a time and space to be sad, to mourn, and to remember. the flowers and cards are useless to the lifeless body. the whole routine is for the living to find closure, and perhaps to appreciate the fact that they are still alive.
(4) Faith. i took theology classes for 4 years in college. i had a crisis about faith and medicine/science for a year. and i didn’t fully understand it all until i sat down for the service earlier - faith gives us peace in times of uncertainty, and it’s so closely tied to hope. and strange enough, in the routine of religion i found comfort - the prayers we recited are the prayers of my youth. the words came so easily, and it was as if the entire room was synced into one voice with a powerful prayer at that moment. it’s not often that i think about God much these days. but it’s reassuring to know that He still there waiting to talk to us, no matter how busy we are, no matter how much we neglect Him.
