metaphysical unease.
in the ebb and flow of life, we have these moments of metaphysical unease, when something intangible is nagging at our soul, tugging on our sleeve, keeping us up until 2am thinking about life. about our personal life, our life within community, about society, the nation, the world.
it is in these moments of unease that we become open to the world. the unease is similar to what one feels when they open their eyes to sunshine after having been in the dark for so long. it’s uncomfortable. bright. strange.
something has been stirring in me the past few weeks. i can’t quite put a finger on it. but i’m not the only one, since karen seems to be having eat.pray.love. moments as well.
maybe it’s the 6 engagements/weddings that have happened in my social circles the past 6 months (1 a month?!). maybe it’s the realizations i’ve had about my family lately. maybe i’m just tired from studying all day. maybe it was the eye opening lectures we’ve had the past few weeks about the state of health and economics in the Philippines. maybe they were just eye opening to me?
it would be so easy to ignore this nudging in my soul, this little pebble in my shoe that’s constantly bugging me, reminding me that i need to do more, that i need to do something life changing. it would be so easy to ignore the state of poverty in the streets, and pursue personal wealth and success.
i’m rambling. well, i’m rambling in hopes of pin-pointing the cause of this unease. maybe I just… i know what it is.
opportunity cost. it’s like i’ve been seeing re-run after re-run of “The Life I Should Be Having.” i could have been married at 23 like so many others. i could be celebrating life and love with my sweetheart, celebrating with my friends and family, starting my own family. instead i’m chasing a not-so-glamorous dream. it doesn’t even feel like an adventure anymore, not like when i first moved here.
it’s not so much that i want to settle down, get married, and have a family. maybe it’s more of the fact that weddings are such joyful events, a celebration of love. and i’m so tired and down all the time from the endless need to study and read and memorize. who wouldn’t want a break to celebrate love and joy? a big party to celebrate love eternal?
maybe i’m in love with love again, this time in the form of weddings. (?!) maybe i’m in a drought of adventure.
maybe i just need a haircut :)
