dysfunctional.
in the span of 2 months, i have fought with both of my beloved brothers. coincidentally, both times it was about the woman in their life.
i didn’t mean to, and i’m very sorry. but i’m also quite sad that it came down to this both times. that my brothers couldn’t talk to me like normal people talk, or didn’t know me well enough to understand what i was trying to say.
why is it that we hide our deepest feelings from those closest to us? why do we go on living our lives pretending everything’s ok, when we’re scared shitless half the time?
why don’t we just talk to each other?
out of love for a brother, i am taking all the 110% of the blame and every single hit without throwing a single arrow back. i want them to be happy, and to have the most perfect wedding, so i don’t mind being the one they’re mad at right now.
and i thought all these family issues were supposed to be exposed when i was a teenager. why is it only coming out now?
i wish somebody would have given me the handbook for “How to Not Step on Your Relatives Toes” a guide to being “diplomatic” as my mother says, and making sure that no one ever gets upset. that only nice things are said.
was she asking me to not be real? she says, that’s just how it is.
but if there’s anything i learned this week (although i’ve learned this a lot with mike f.), when we get upset, our true feelings come out in their ugly, shining glory. and in a way, we see the real person inside deep behind the antiseptic show of a smile we put on for the world so everyone thinks everyone’s ok.
as my mentor said this afternoon, it’s such a typical Filipino trait: all the family drama comes out if there’s a wedding or a funeral.
i don’t want to wait until there’s a funeral for my siblings and i to reconcile and truly fix our distorted relationships (and no one wants to admit it) :( i hope they feel the same way.
