wanderlust

The Storm Approaches

The air has been thick with moisture the past few days, and I’m just waiting for the massive downpour of rain so that the temperature will finally cool down. 

This is the first week of MBA, and I’m trying my best to pay attention so that it all doesn’t pile up in September during Finals. I really need to manage my time for all the MBA shiz, especially StraMa (which is totally freaking me out).

Not to mention I’m kind of scared shitless about the fact that we’ll be in the clinics soon. Mostly because Psych is my first rotation, and i HATE psych. I was so prepared to go into the Medicine rotation, and then go and switch schedules around!!!

In other news, they made us write down our 5, 10, and 15 year goals. IN 5 YEARS I WILL BE 30. OMFG. O M F G. 

i feel like i’m wasting my youth :(

Hence, I’m even more determined to plan&execute my Eurotrip 2015 with Karen, fully self-paid, spontaneous, and awesome. I’ve got half of the target budget saved! :D

And in an attempt to foster more money, I’ve adopted a rather bad habit of earning money: Blackjack. Because I’m unfortunately rather good :s

And also plan to invest in an aggressive mutual fund or something. Which is perfectly timed since our financial management class has a stock exchange project (where the winner gets the P10,000 pot!!!!)

This is the first post during my Clerkship. I really hope it’s not the last. 

we were fated to pretend

[why do I have a feeling I’m one of the few people who actually still writes in tumblr?]

I’m watching 21, in preparation for turning 25. (how the fuck did I get this old without noticing?!) 

Yes, I am chasing my ‘dream.’ Yes, I’m putting  in the hard work that will undoubtedly pay off later.

But I feel like I’m missing out on my fucking youth. I should be having roadtrips with friends every other weekend - surfing, traveling, seeing the world. Instead I’m am perpetually drowning beneath a pile of lecture notes and textbooks.

Happy fucking February.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We’ve got the vision, now let’s have some fun.
Yeah, it’s overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We’re fated to pretend. 

DIY

I’ve chosen to be self-sufficient, self-dependent/independent for so long; mostly out of fear/avoidance of being disappointed by others. (I’ve been proven right too many times to change my ways.)

But it’s a new year, so here’s to trying to trust.

square peg, round hole.

i feel taken for granted/forgotten. i doubt any of you realize that; but it’s the little things that show it.

can’t wait for my 2 weeks out of Manila. i need a break from this polluted city, full of rude people, a corrupt government, and dirty gray streets and skies.

the mind studying the brain

Current Trans: Geriatric Psych
Current Mood: depressed

Why?

Memories of my lola & her mental/physical demise in her old age. The fact that depression/dementia are common co-morbidities with heart disease. It bothers me that she may have been suffering from more than physical disease and nobody bothered to catch it :( She had a history of falls as well, and I remember it got to the point where she needed help just to bathe. 

Seeing my lola grow old wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to watch as a 10 year old. Seeing my aunt who’s a nurse get frustrated with my lola’s impairments wasn’t much fun either. I suppose it wasn’t until I got into medical school that I began to fully understand my aunt & why she is the way she is - she knew what was coming. I’d bet good money that she was mostly frustrated because cardiac disease can be preventable; and yet she has essential hypertension despite her healthy lifestyle. I bet she was frustrated because despite her diligent care of my lola, her kidneys finally gave out one day.

It’s hard to study this knowing that my mother has hypertension & is growing old as well. It’s hard to study psych when I have questions about depression running in my family; when I’m not even sure if I’m depressed myself or if it’s just the regular med-school-stress.

I cannot wait for this module to be over so I can worry about having some other disease already.

i’m an assorted mess, like a box of chocolates

1. Hypochondriasis - CHECK [uh, aren’t all med students?]
2. OCD - CHECK; [trans compiler, has to touch key/phone/wallet before leaving, triple locks the car, obsessively labels emails]
3. Social Phobia - CHECK; [as a child, I was terrified of ordering food because it meant I had to talk to the cashier; in high school I would have panic attacks before every single piano recital. after spazzing out & screwing up my final one, I haven’t performed piano publicly since; now - i hate reporting in front of class]
4. Generalized Anxiety Disorder - CHECK [excessive anxiety & worry > 6 months, difficult to control worry, easily fatigued, mind goes blank, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbance, and significant distress secondary to medical school]
5. Major Depressive Disorder - CHECK [chronic depressed mood, disinterest in music/art/creativity, weight gain, hyperinsomnia/insomnia, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness]

O_o

neglected middle child syndrome.

YES. i am pissed and upset. and you probably have NO IDEA.

My VERY SIMPLE request for you to WAIT FOR ME was completely ignored. But it’s fine. I’ll suck it up. And go back to studying. Like the good little daughter that I am. I’ll pretend that I dont’ feel hurt, or ignored, or like it even matters.

It’s not about the fact that, yes we’ll still do everything I wanted in December and April. It’s the fact that you didn’t wait for me. The fact that my future now looks so fucking gray - with my ‘normal’ family celebrating holidays together and going on vacation while I am SLAVING AWAY IN THE HOSPITAL ON DUTY.

I don’t like the looks of this future. at. all :|

Thank you family, for reassuring me SO MUCH that this won’t be the future. Thank you for making me feel included.

running on empty

i feel out of: sync/yourlife/theloop/energy/patience/time/inspiration/hope.