wanderlust

DIY

I’ve chosen to be self-sufficient, self-dependent/independent for so long; mostly out of fear/avoidance of being disappointed by others. (I’ve been proven right too many times to change my ways.)

But it’s a new year, so here’s to trying to trust.

square peg, round hole.

i feel taken for granted/forgotten. i doubt any of you realize that; but it’s the little things that show it.

can’t wait for my 2 weeks out of Manila. i need a break from this polluted city, full of rude people, a corrupt government, and dirty gray streets and skies.

the mind studying the brain

Current Trans: Geriatric Psych
Current Mood: depressed

Why?

Memories of my lola & her mental/physical demise in her old age. The fact that depression/dementia are common co-morbidities with heart disease. It bothers me that she may have been suffering from more than physical disease and nobody bothered to catch it :( She had a history of falls as well, and I remember it got to the point where she needed help just to bathe. 

Seeing my lola grow old wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to watch as a 10 year old. Seeing my aunt who’s a nurse get frustrated with my lola’s impairments wasn’t much fun either. I suppose it wasn’t until I got into medical school that I began to fully understand my aunt & why she is the way she is - she knew what was coming. I’d bet good money that she was mostly frustrated because cardiac disease can be preventable; and yet she has essential hypertension despite her healthy lifestyle. I bet she was frustrated because despite her diligent care of my lola, her kidneys finally gave out one day.

It’s hard to study this knowing that my mother has hypertension & is growing old as well. It’s hard to study psych when I have questions about depression running in my family; when I’m not even sure if I’m depressed myself or if it’s just the regular med-school-stress.

I cannot wait for this module to be over so I can worry about having some other disease already.

i’m an assorted mess, like a box of chocolates

1. Hypochondriasis - CHECK [uh, aren’t all med students?]
2. OCD - CHECK; [trans compiler, has to touch key/phone/wallet before leaving, triple locks the car, obsessively labels emails]
3. Social Phobia - CHECK; [as a child, I was terrified of ordering food because it meant I had to talk to the cashier; in high school I would have panic attacks before every single piano recital. after spazzing out & screwing up my final one, I haven’t performed piano publicly since; now - i hate reporting in front of class]
4. Generalized Anxiety Disorder - CHECK [excessive anxiety & worry > 6 months, difficult to control worry, easily fatigued, mind goes blank, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbance, and significant distress secondary to medical school]
5. Major Depressive Disorder - CHECK [chronic depressed mood, disinterest in music/art/creativity, weight gain, hyperinsomnia/insomnia, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness]

O_o

neglected middle child syndrome.

YES. i am pissed and upset. and you probably have NO IDEA.

My VERY SIMPLE request for you to WAIT FOR ME was completely ignored. But it’s fine. I’ll suck it up. And go back to studying. Like the good little daughter that I am. I’ll pretend that I dont’ feel hurt, or ignored, or like it even matters.

It’s not about the fact that, yes we’ll still do everything I wanted in December and April. It’s the fact that you didn’t wait for me. The fact that my future now looks so fucking gray - with my ‘normal’ family celebrating holidays together and going on vacation while I am SLAVING AWAY IN THE HOSPITAL ON DUTY.

I don’t like the looks of this future. at. all :|

Thank you family, for reassuring me SO MUCH that this won’t be the future. Thank you for making me feel included.

running on empty

i feel out of: sync/yourlife/theloop/energy/patience/time/inspiration/hope.

breaking the bad news

we just had a lecture this past week about “breaking the bad news.”  the practice session wasn’t even about telling a family that their loved one died. it was about telling someone they had Hepatitis B and couldn’t apply for work abroad. 

it was still heart wrenching.

i’ve been on the receiving end of bad news more than i’d like now. and it doesn’t get any easier. i dont’ think it will. 

i think that will always be the hardest part for me when i’m a doctor - not the million things i need to memorize - but holding back tears as i watch someone’s heart break with grief. to try to look strong, without appearing cold and distant.

i hope that the Martins find strength in each other right now. :( this is too painful to even try to process.